Nooky’s Bakery

Most of you are familiar with our local Spirit of Freedom Republican Women. They are real; they meet monthly. They are one of the few local Republican clubs that doesn’t have a website of its own. I suspect that’s because they’re pretty much positive that the Internet is a tool of the devil, secular humanists, and Jennifer Anniston.

About five years ago, I took to calling them The Belles of Heaven Republican Women’s Club. It kinda stuck and local folks – even Republicans – started calling them that. Well, the Belles have gotten their brassiere straps all uptight and grotesquely twisted over a new locally-owned female-run business: a mother and daughter bakery.

Specifically, Nooky’s Erotic Bakery.

No, I’m not joking. Nooky’s opened a couple of months ago on Highway 6 right in the heart of Sugar Land, within frosting distance of Tom DeLay’s home. It’s in a strip shopping center with other businesses. A mother and daughter team own and run it. They make bakery goods for wedding showers, birthdays, and people too grown up for a Cinderella or Spiderman cake but not so grown up that they don’t want a birthday party.

It’s not something I’d want, but you might and I respect your birthday wishes.

The Belles had their monthly meeting last week and Nooky’s got some free advertising. One blogger described the Belles as being “outraged” over Nooky’s. I can understand that. Women. Baking. Free enterprise. That’s the Trifecta of Torrid. Outrage is a valuable commodity and, bless their hearts, the Belles have cornered the market.

So, poor Criminal District Attorney John Healey, who is a man with absolutely no sense of humor – I mean that literally, we think he had a humorectomy – shows up at the Belles’ meeting and gets cornered by some really pissed-off women who want to know what he’s going to do RIGHT NOW to rid their fair city of the horror of cake.

Healey, as the blogger put it, was “rather put on the spot when he was asked to explain how this occurred.” Well, I imagine so! Envision yourself trying to explain how batter formed itself into a set of ta-tas. You gotta start with that whole spring form cake pan thing, oven temperature, food coloring, and then some other stuff that Julia Childs probably took to her grave.

I would think that not having a sense of humor would be a help in these situations. However, one of my newly found spies tells me that poor Healey walked out of the meeting smelling of Eau de Pious and carrying 40 pounds of grief. It didn’t occur to him that icing is not a criminal act in Texas. In a rare moment of bureaucratic irony, it truly is not his job to do anything about this.

Personally, I think the Belles knew that but brought it up just to hear dirty talk and get themselves all aquiver with outrage. This passes for foreplay in many Republican homes.

By three o’clock that afternoon, County Commissioner Andy Meyers, a man far too obsessed with other people’s hoochy-koochy activities to have much of his own, was issuing press releases and getting everybody in the county drawing a taxpayer salary to quit whatever they were doing and get —- well, outraged!

Andy contends that Nooky’s Bakery is a sexually oriented business.

Dude, it’s flour, sugar, and eggs. If that gets you frisky then you’ve got bigger problems than your diet. I don’t even think that the Mayor of Spokane is that perverted.

Look, there’s a simple solution to this whole thing. Let’s take Andy over to Nooky’s and let him look at the cakes. If Andy gets unduly excited and will sign an affidavit attesting to such, then I’ll help close the place down. I don’t know how we’ll certify Andy’s level of “excitement.” I haven’t worked that out yet. We asked Thelma to help and she said, “Not even for a three-layer dinky cake.”

You would think that at some point Republican women would realize that they should just shut-up about sex. The more they talk, the more Republican men get caught doing really kinky stuff — and I mean kinky in more than running for Governor.

Thelma, Verdelia, and I are going to Commissioners Court when they discuss this just so we can sit in the audience to point and giggle every time a commissioner says “nooky.” The county will probably have to hire a consultant to explain to one commissioner what nooky is and remind the rest.